Chuck Norris “facts” (as they were originally known) first appeared on the internet back in 2005 on the ‘Something Awful’ comedy website forums. They really caught on as a phenomenon when Conan O’Brien started making Chuck Norris jokes on his late night talk show and folks have been churning out hilarious Chuck Norris memes ever since.
Now, everyone knows that there’s actually another fist under Chuck’s beard, that his hair falls perfectly into place out of fear and that Chuck once met an exclamation point, punched it in the face and we now have questions. Yep, these Chuck Norris facts are common knowledge.
Today, there’s a glorious wealth of more than a decade’s worth of hilarious Chuck Norris memes out there on the internet to choose from and here are 15 of our favorites.
15 First men on the moon? Pfft. Chuck beat Apollo 11 to it
That’s right. So much for Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin creating the first boot prints on the moon—Chuck already laid his treads on the lunar surface before them, so eat Chuck’s dust, Apollo 11 astronauts! The history books need correction! Chuck planted his flag on the moon way before NASA was born. And Chuck never needed any fancy spacesuit or rocket science to get there, either. He roundhouse-kicked and karate-chopped his way through space, with no slide rule calculations required. Pfft. He beat the Apollo 11 astronauts to the moon and watched as they hovered over the lunar surface back in July of 1969, waving them in like a seasoned air traffic controller working the runways at JFK and showing them where to park.
14 No life on Mars? Thank Chuck
There was once life on Mars. It’s top secret stuff—there’s a bunch of yellowing papers in a vault buried deep at NASA headquarters somewhere outlining ‘Chuck’s Top Secret Mission to Mars to Save Earth.’ Chuck’s not talking, but insiders tell us that Chuck orbited effortlessly to Mars, while doing roundhouse kicks, many moons ago and the martian inhabitants looked like those little green men from ’50s sci-fi movies. Chuck went up there and spun those little green men around on their billiard-ball heads, until they rolled right off their red planet from the force of Chuck’s left hooks. Those poor Martians still fall endlessly through space to this day, where no one but Chuck can hear them scream.
13 Chuck Norris can’t be denied
When Chuck Norris calls, you better answer the damn phone because if you don’t, you don’t want to know what’s coming. Don’t let his calls go to voicemail. There’s no screening when it comes to Chuck! Remember: when Chuck Norris does push ups, he doesn’t push himself up but he forces the Earth down. And when there’s a meteor shower, Chuck grabs a bar of soap to wash up and he’s the only exception in the world to #YOLO—so, you don’t want to mess with Chuck! The wrath of Chuck Norris is almighty and the greatest force to ever exist is always with him.
Let’s face it: when Chuck’s on the line, does anyone have a choice? Our choices are: answer and answer because Chuck Norris can’t be denied.
12 Chuck Norris doesn’t dial wrong numbers—you answer the wrong phone
When Chuck Norris punches out a phone number—and we mean punch like jabs, right crosses and left hooks—he always hits his numbers right, no matter what. And if you happen to answer Chuck’s call and he’s not looking for you, it’s certainly not his fault because it’s impossible for Chuck Norris to ever dial a wrong number. This is proven by Chuck Norris’ Law (which is like Murphy’s Law, adapted for Chuck Norris) which decrees that Chuck Norris never makes mistakes and by default, that means the mistaken one in any scenario is always the other party. Chuck Norris never hears ‘sorry, wrong number’ because he doesn’t dial wrong numbers—you answer the wrong phone.
11 Chuck just made a withdrawal
Did you know that the Big Bang was really caused by the momentum of Chuck Norris’ very first roundhouse kick, back when he existed as a wee atom before time and space began? Scientists know that this ‘Chuck Norris Theory of the Universe’ is too outrageous to be believed, so they made up this ‘theory of evolution’ and ‘molecular Big Bang theory’ stuff—but we all know the truth: Chuck’s a force of nature that none of us can overcome.
Really, he’s mostly like a regular guy, though—occasionally needing a few bucks—and when Chuck needs cash, well, he empties the machine. So, when you see one of those signs saying ‘No Cash In The ATM,’ you know Chuck Norris has just made a withdrawal.
10 You better have some sugar for Chuck
Chuck likes to bake from time to time, just like the rest of us. He’ll sometimes tie an apron on, take out his flour and mixing bowls and make his supercharged protein paleo carrot muffins recipe. Do not, however, be fooled into thinking that Chuck’s sweet like your grandma just because he’s got his ‘Kiss the Cook’ apron on. He can still kick your a** twelve ways to Sunday, no matter what he’s wearing.
Sometimes, when Chuck’s baking and realizes he’s short of sugar, he goes over to the neighbor’s house to borrow a cup and whoops, from the looks of the above picture, it looks like the neighbors didn’t have any sugar to lend. Lesson learned: when Chuck Norris asks to borrow some sugar, just say ‘yes.’
9 Superman once lost a bet to Chuck
Have you ever wondered about Superman’s silly outfit and questioned the logic of his ensemble consisting of a flowing red cape, a clingy blue full-body onesie and bright red briefs on the outside? It really is a fashion faux pas. Well, there’s a perfectly logical explanation for Superman’s permanent status on the universe’s worst-dressed list: Superman and Chuck Norris once had an arm wrestling match and the stakes were that the loser had to wear his underpants on the outside. So, Walker, Texas Ranger and Superman, the Man of Steel went head to head, bicep to bicep, in an epic arm wrestle and now we all know how that contest ended. Goes to show that Superman’s a man of his word!
8 Chuck deflowered the Virgin Islands
We have no idea how Chuck Norris managed to deflower the Virgin Islands, nor are we sure that we really want to imagine it—we only know this to be a true fact and that it happened because the Chuck Norris meme universe says so. How can we doubt it? After all, when Chuck’s daughter lost her virginity, he found it and got it back, right? If Chuck Norris managed to do that, then there’s no doubt that he was the Virgin Islands’ ‘first.’ We wonder if he wined and dined the Virgin Islands before going back to their place or just got right down to business? Hope Chuck was gentle because, well, sometimes he’s known to be a little rough.
7 Chuck comes from equally savage stock
Even though Chuck caused the Big Bang through the sheer force of his lightning fast martial arts moves and also existed as an infinite degree black belt atomic molecule before time and space began—he still has relatives and a grandmother, like everyone else. How else could he truly come into being? He had to come from the loins of someone. The answer is that this woman in the above picture is where Chuck gets his gumption. Think his undefeatable grit came from nowhere? No—behold—it came from his bad*ss great-grandmother seen here, singlehandedly holding back the storming troops. Now, we sympathize with the plight of Chuck’s forebears. We want to say to Chuck Norris’ great-grandma in this picture: “You go, girl!”
6 The Boogeyman’s scared of Chuck Norris
The Boogeyman is that monster hiding under our beds and in our closets that we’ve never actually seen but always know is around. He’s who we look for when we first come home and check behind the shower curtain, in all the closets and under the beds to make sure he’s not to be found anywhere. We never find him when we check, of course, but we know that he exists and that he preys on us in the dark and makes us afraid of our own shadows.
Well, the Boogeyman has his own Boogeyman, whose name is Chuck Norris. So, the real Boogeyman checks his closet and under his bed every night before he goes to sleep—and he’s checking for Chuck Norris.
5 Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience
We’ve all heard of people having near-death experiences where they flat-lined and their hearts stopped beating for a very scary short time, before returning back among the living. They always claim they were moving through a narrow tunnel toward a pleasantly blinding bright light that was coming slowly closer and they felt surrounded by feelings of welcoming love and goodness the whole way.
Well, that sounds kind of nice, but when death had a near-Chuck Norris experience, things were different: death’s experience consisted of Chuck Norris’s foot flashing before its eyes, right before the final blow and the last ‘ow!’ Then, death walked through the valley of the shadow of Chuck Norris’s living room.
4 That ‘giant asteroid’ that eradicated the dinosaurs?
No T-Rex stood a chance against Chuck! Back when dinosaurs roamed Earth, Chuck was there with them, digging out the Grand Canyon with a spoon, carving his beard into Mount Rushmore, dividing by zero and remembering the future to pass the time. He was recalling great moments—like how he once won American Idol using sign language and how the stupid doctor who slapped him cried after he was born (because newborn Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him)—when a posse of dinosaurs swarmed him and (on the spot) he invented Chun Kuk Do and beat all those charging, scaly beasts down. Dinosaurs might have once roamed the Earth, but Chuck rules it.
3 That dress was white and gold until Chuck beat it black and blue
Back in February of 2015, Chuck Norris saw a picture of a white and gold dress on the internet that everyone was arguing on Facebook over and tweeting about. Some people swore that the dress was black and blue. Chuck wasn’t crazy about the white and gold color of the dress that he saw—he’s always been partial to black and blue.
Now, Chuck knows from experience that to get any job done right, he has to do it himself and it’s through his feet and his fists that he makes things happen. So, who needs a tailor or dressmaker to fix this stupid problem with the white and gold dress? Chuck just beat the crap out of it until it was black and blue.
2 Chuck Norris knocks ’em down and helps ’em back up
Chuck’s not all bad, see? He’s got heart! Even though he used stunt doubles for crying scenes on Walker, Texas Ranger and had live piranhas instead of rubber duckies in his bathtub when he was a kid, no one ever said Chuck was a bad guy. Chuck Norris is a man of the people—he’s even an attorney-at-law on the side, as we see from this billboard. He represents ‘injured people’ with his own 1-877 number. You can call Chuck any time to represent you in his capacity as a lawyer. You can see how much you can get for that roundhouse kick to the chin you took from him—maybe he’ll empty the ATM into your pocket this time—because really, is there anything he can’t do?
1 Chuck Norris can even shut Kanye down!
We all know how Kanye gets when someone else is the center of attention: he jumps up on stage to take control of the mic because he really can’t stand anything that’s not all about him, right? If it’s not all about Kanye, he’s going to find a way to make it about him somehow. But, if it’s Chuck Norris at the mic, do you think Kanye would interrupt? If Chuck Norris were making a speech and Kanye jumped up on stage, he’d probably have second thoughts and for once in his life, might be chastened enough to say something like: “Yo, Chuck, Imma let you finish, but…you know what? You go right ahead and finish.”